Carib Beer XI v Ad-hoc - Monday 11th May 2015 - Regents Park.

Our first game of the 2015 season is probably best forgotten, seeing as it did our collapse to a dreadful defeat by over 100 runs. Our opposition was the Ad-Hoc team, a team we know is far better than us in all departments, and who we generally expect to be thrashed by, but the manner of the loss surprised even the battered ranks of the Carib Beer XI who are generally used to being torn new ones every time we take to the field. Nevertheless, the Ad-hoc regulars know what they are getting into and seem to enjoy bolstering their averages and having a night off from proper cricket so it seems likely that the fixture, and our humiliation, will have to continue for a few seasons yet.

Sadly, we were without our inspirational captain, chairman, and leader, Martin Haigh, so the uninspiring & decidedly unchairman-like vice-captain, ageing medium pacer, Carib Rogerson, stepped into the breach to lead the side to disaster. We struggled to get a team together at all, if truth be told. Carib Willis had declared himself unavailable for all games this side of August, due to the possibility of the temperature plunging below 20 degrees, and we are unaware of the whereabouts of our Northern Bakery magnate, Carib Cordey. Nevertheless, with the inclusion of a couple of ringers, we were able to get 10 bodies onto the field for the flogging to come.

Although Vice-Captain Rogerson did managed to win the toss, he decided to do the honourable thing (Martin take note) and insert the opposition in to bat first. Carib Rogerson himself, along with Carib Nag, opened the bowling. Although Carib Nag was his usual accurate self, the same could not be said of the old vice-skipper, Carib Rogerson, who struggled with both line, length and pace and was duly dispatched to all parts – surely his retirement is now only a matter of time.

Replacing Carib Nag was another old Carib who has struggled for accuracy in recent years, the bouncer bowling long-hop merchant, Carib Worthy. However, in the event people thought Carib Rogerson’s overs were a little off, they hadn’t seen anything yet as Carib Worthy threw down wide after wide, and long-hope after long-hop. Some balls flew straight over the head of our dependable, but butter fingered wicket keeper, Carib Bowen’s head, without hitting the ground. Others landed only yards from the square leg umpire. After only two overs of this, the aging vice-skipper was forced to remove him from the attack in favour of the slower, but hopefully greater accuracy, of Caribs Tungate, Moss and Weaver.

Carib Tungate did manage to secure two wickets, a caught and bowled, and a stumped, but of course the damage had already been done by then. However, as we approached the final few overs, Carib Nag was returned to the attack, along with the now utterly despondent Carib Worthy. Carib Nag bowled well, but Carib Worthy, sadly, did not – the break and chance to reflect down at fine leg having left him utterly devoid of what little confidence and self-respect he still had. The over that he sent down was one of such utter ineptitude, that it was only the fact that we were not re-taking wides, but awarding 2 runs to the opposition, that the over was able to finish at all. The levels of wides and long-hops that resulted was such that, even only 2 overs from the end, the aging skipper was forced to remove him from the attack and return Carib Moss to finish his last over to save him from any further humiliation.

The result of such a poor attack, Carib Nag notwithstanding, was that the Ad-hocs had reached a formidable target, 174 for 5 from their 20 overs. The only saving grace was that, feeling sorry for us, they agreed to give everyone a bowl – whether we were capable of making anything of it remained to be seen.

Our reply, however, is also something that will fail to grace the hallowed halls of cricket history, except perhaps as a humorous by-line in a “how not to bat” chapter in a cricketing coaching manual somewhere. Only Carib Tungate managed to get his score into double figures and give some illusion of us knowing something about the game we were claiming to be able to play. Everyone else seemed like rabbits caught in the headlights as wickets tumbled in quick succession, leaving us at one stage on 28 for 6 before Carib Tungate came to the crease to steady the badly listing Carib Ship. By then of course, the result was a predictable hammering, and as the final scores were totted up, we had reached the heady heights of 68 – with 18 extras, surely one of our saddest and sorriest performances.

Carib Rogerson tried to cheer up the team by noting that our leader, and full time captain, Martin Haigh, would be returning to the fold for the next encounter. However, we all agreed that with a performance of such utter ineptitude as we had displayed this evening could scarcely have been rescued by better captaincy, and that the only consolation would be to drown our sorrows in the local pub for a couple of hours, which an early finish would at least afford us, so off we trotted, smirking secretly at the recollection of Jarrod Worthy’s 3 overs, which in hindsight, were quite hilarious.

Scorecard - Carib Beer XI v Ad-Hoc