Carib Beer XI vs Bank of England All Stars - June 4th 2009

During the long span of history between the Carib Beer XI and the vicarious assembly of Ringers dragged out of the Windows Support Group at the Bank of England, there have been some keenly fought contests, and some absolute drubbings, the greatest of which was 2008 when the cream of the Bank's manhood had their arses handed to them twice in three hours. For our first proper game of the season, we were obviously hoping, and somewhat hesitantly expecting the latter, given that prior to last year's spectacular Carib Victories, the various teams put into opposition against us were actually winning 2-1 on aggregate.

However, it has to be said that the Bank's victories in previous years were based on the visceral talents of a certain Nick Moore, happily unavailable last year, an almost mystical figure and a legend in the corridors of the Carib Beer XI head offices, given that we had completely failed to dismiss him over the course of three seasons. It was with some trepidation, therefore, that we spied his presence on the opposition batting card. The Bank's leader and captain, all round Sportsman James Lamyman had also rendered himself completely incapable of playing last year, completely failing to fulfil his potential, by draining the contents of a vat of German lager prior to the game. Boe Worthy, the owner of a pair of whites, and a sports bag, who has also been honing his admittedly lacklustre talents in the ranks of the Carib Beer XI for some time, and with some scores to settle with his older and much more experienced rival, Carib Rogerson, was also expected to be up for the challenge, with his usual array of mid pitch bumpers and half track bouncers.

Along with Bouncer Bowling Jarod, previously completely insensible sportsman Lamyman and Talismanic batsman Moore, there were some recognisable faces amongst the ranks of the Bank, as well as some new ones. Familiar faces were Boozy Wicketkeeper Michael Hayes, useful, but somewhat slow scoring nurdler and general dot-munger Tahir, expansive (and expanding) slow bowler Dave Griffin and reliably mediocre slip fielder Angus Lee. The new kids on the block were Geoff Cooke, fresh back from abroad, and given the apparent lack of hair dressers in that locality, none too soon, if he was to stand any chance of seeing the cricket ball during the evening, New WSG person Hodgson, who had last played at university (his batting was to demonstrate why), Darren ("go easy on me") Whiffen and lanky slogger Jez.

For the Caribs, we had a full side too, although one bolstered by a couple of more than useful ringers. Improving middle order bludgeoner and energy saving bowler Goochie was unavailable for selection, as was the newly repatriated Carib Cordey who was at home unpacking boxes in order to bring them into work and walk around the office with them, having now returned to the UK after escaping the clutches of some perfectly nice Germans. We were also without the services of serial injury prone Rich Harris, resting up after an injury free, but not entirely risk free, game last week.

At 5pm sharp, the opposition and those of the Caribs who work at the Bank, met up in the foyer. Given the amount of cricket gear, whites and bags in attendance, you could have been forgiven for thinking that you were in the presence of an actual cricket team. However, an hour later, witnessing them trying to squeeze into trousers and tops last worn 20 years ago, when most of them were half the size, brought home the optimism with which they approached the game. Watching Jarrod Worthy squeezing into spandex that a 12 year old girl would have struggled with is not something to be recommended close to a mealtime. Nevertheless, with the team ready and strapped up, we headed off to the Tesco Metro for supplies, keeping a close eye on Boe Lamyman to make sure he didn't clear out the Beer section unsupervised.

Arriving at Regent's Park, it was immediately obvious that the Bank meant business. We had assembled our bags close to the boundary edge, to await the arrival of our leader Martin Haigh, and fully expected the Bank to join us. However, whether through an inability to see where we were, likely in the case of Boe Lamyman, or through a Steve Waugh-esque display of aussie arrogance, the Bank proceeded to set up camp, corsets and all, a full 20 yards away. Clearly, the mateyness and good humour of previous years had evaporated during the humiliation of constant defeat last year.

Our Captain, best batsman and leader Martin Haigh, a notoriously poor tosser, avoiding the ignomony of losing the first toss of the seaon, instructed the opposition to field first. The probably pissed up Bank captain, Sportsman Boe Lamyman duly demured, and the Bank took to the field. The Carib Batsman were instructed to pad up in readiness. Ringer Phil Melling and reliable fine leg fielder Andy Moss were to open the batting, with aging medium paced bowler, and vice captain, Carib Rogerson in at number 3.

The Carib openers trudged out to bat, and instinctive bouncer bowler Jarrod Worthy proceeded to mark his run up just short of the elephant enclosure, due west of London Zoo. To begin with, the Carib openers looked to wear down the Bank bowlers, Carib Ringer Moss playing particularly circumspectly. If we decide to inaugurate an award for the slowest scoring opening stand, then Ringer Moss is surely in contention, facing a full 9 balls before getting off the mark. At the other end, the more than useful Ringer Phil Melling was forced to hit out against the accurate mid pitched half trackers thrown at him by Boe Worthy, skying a catch in the third over to the opposition captain, Jim Lamyman, who almost spilled his can of beer in his attempt to catch it. As it was, he managed to catch the miscued hook without losing the half swallowed gulp of beer he had taken prior to Jarrod Worthy's latest bouncer, and the first Carib was back in the hutch.

Aging fast bowler Carib Rogerson was next in, with Boe Jarrod, who had a few scores to settle with his more experienced rival, still bowling. His second ball thudded into the aging medium pacer's chest, leaving a black bruise that resembled a map of the M25, which the aging Essex boy struggled to hide. However, he was unable to dislodge the accurate medium pacer with his barrage of half track bumpers, and was replaced by tall and lanky slogger Jez. By this time, Carib Ringer Moss had managed to advance his score to a useful single, but with Carib Rogerson at the crease, the reliable boundary fielder began to cut loose. A driven four by Carib Rogerson spurred him into action, smashing two fours back over the head of new boy Jez, and the Carib innings had begun, somewhat surprisingly, given Andy's propesity for single figure scores spanning several hours. By the time the partnership was broken by the desperately poor run out of the aging 40 year old Rogerson, when attempting to run an obvious two runs in one stretch, without a fag break, all in one go proved too much for him, Andy was almost into double figures.

Next man in for the Caribs was Ringer Tungate, a potential future Carib Member, and a more than useful batsman. By this time, Useful Nurdler Tahir had completed two overs of line and length, and keen slip fielder Angus Lee had been brought into the attack. What happened next was to take the Caribs a good way towards their target score. Ringer Tungate hit his straps big time, while the hapless Bank twirler threw down wide after wide. Those that the Carib Ringer could reach were despatched to the boundary, at one point in the over, four on the trott. In an effort to avoid the onslaught, the useful slip fielder threw down his deliveries wider and wider. Nevertheless, after more deliveries that can safely be fitted on a scoresheet were delivered, and with the umpire becoming increasinlgly generous with the wide calling, the over was complete, and the Carib score had advanced some 20 runs. Carib Ringer Tungate was to retire soon after, with a more than useful 25 to his name. With the Carib score now approaching 50 at the half way stage, Ringer Moss's long vigil now expunged from the run rate after missing a Jez Willson straight one, the parallels with the England tactic of having KP rescure another desperately slow start by the England team was not lost on us. Even England have on occassion failed to lose a 20/20 match after putting Alastiar Cook in to open and at this stage we still had little to give us too much cause for concern.

Next man in was our captain, Leader, Chairman and best batsman, Martin Haigh, fresh from his defeat at the hands of rookie vice captain Rogerson last week. However, despite his failure last week, we still expect great things from our talismanic captain and chairman, and this week was to be no different. Martin began as he usually does, pushing the ball around the square to keep the scoreboard ticking over, then launching into an expansive shot to pull his scoring rate back above 100, just in time to prevent the run rate from slipping behind, all the while pushing the score along to whatever target seems necessary for victory. His ones, twos, fours and dot balls, all timed to perfection, saw the Carib score heading toward the 100 mark, and with our best batsman at the crease, the Caribs began to sense that we were in for a score that would seriously trouble the ringers of the Bank of England Windows Support Team. Unfortunately, however, on this sad occasion, Martin's preference for the Chameleons of the Madagascan rain forest, in preference to honing his batting skills at the Carib Beer XI winter cricketing academy, Oval, in London, has come back to bite us in the bottoms, given Martin's recent propensity for skying catches towards members of the opposition, fielding in close proximity to him. On this unhappy occassion it was to be lanky slogger Jez who was the lucky recipient of Martin's latest skyed straight drive, and sadly, our greatest batsman was trudging back to the massed ranks of the Caribs assembled back on the boundary for a disappointing 16.

Next Carib in was occassionally useful slow medium bowler and poor umpire, Carib Willis, fresh from his unbeaten mid teen score last week. Perhaps imagining that the shine needed to be re-taken off the ball, in case a second layer of shine had emerged, Barry's innings began slowly, recording almost as many dots as Ringer Moss had conceded earlier on in the piece. However, while Ringer Moss had genuinely faced a brand new £2 ball, Barry, sadly, was facing a ball 15 overs old, well and truly scuffed up by the "sporty" pitch, so his slow scoring seems more an effort to preserve his not out scores of last week rather than any great attempt to capitalise on our Captain's efforts before him. Nevertheless, after what seemed like an interminable 21 balls later, Carib Willis was finally bowled by the unpredictablly wiley slow bowler Boe Griffin, unpredictable in the sense that a barrell straight delivery one ball could be followed by a one that would scare the monkeys in London zoo. Listening to Barry's excuses, on arriving back at the boundary line, all manner of strange quantum phenomena were responsible for disturbing the stumps, or as Barry more succinctly put it, the "bail holders". Unfortunately for the hapless employees of the Bank of England, this was to last into the next day. Only legal action, threatened by Boe Tahir, as desperate as the rest of us to end the matter, managed to convince Barry to accept that it wasn't in fact the pressure wave created by the ball missing his stumps by the Planck Length that had dislodged his bails, nor the poorly sited stumps, not fully drilled into the pitch, that had caused his dismissal, but the completely failed attempt to hit it that had been responsiblel. However, this didn't stop an increasingly desperate barrage of excuses from being proffered in the pub after the game, each excuse a product of the increasing level of intoxication evident as he realised the full damage the innings had done to his averages so early in the season.

Anyway, by this time, tour manager and determined dot botherer Andy Weaver had finally shown up and was thrust towards the field of play, pads half on, instructed by our Leader Martin Haigh to push the score along. He was joined by reliable line and length bowler Rob White, and of course, the Carib innings slowed once more. However, we were not finished yet. The late order Carib nudgers pushed the ball around, hit the odd boundary, and escaped the occasional run out attempt, and the Carib score pushed on from the 100 mark. Tour Manager Andy Weaver, usually so circumspect with his boundary hitting, smashed two fours in his vigil at the crease. Rob White also hit a four, but perhaps brimming with over-confidence, found himself bowled by the wiley slow bowling of floppy hatted, and newly slimline village green twirler Rob Bailey. Boe Williams, playing for the Caribs in an effort to make the numbers up, was last in, hitting a fine 2 not out. The Carib's scorecard had been bolstered by Mr Wides (26) but we had also scored pretty well, most of us contributing something towards the score. Ringer Tungate had been the engine room of the innings, and Martin, our leader and best batsman had consolidated his efforts with a score of his own. Aging fast bowler Rogerson had contributed 15 and our slow scoring Tour Manager 16. Based on last year's efforts, Nick Moore notwithstanding, we fully believed that we had presented the Bank with an unnassailable score.

First men in for the Bank were the unfortunately coiffured Boe Cooke and WSG New Person Hodgson, and for the first four overs, delivered by our still smarting Carib Willis, and reliable line and length bowler, Carib White, there was little threat to our score, both batsmen failing to progress to any great extent and both being dismissed by fine Carib catches. Doubty Booze-addled wicketkeeper Boe Hayes was next in, and, although starting slowly, looked increasingly comfortable at the crease, displaying a technique that Geoff Boycott's mother-in-law could hardly have bettered. Boe Whiffen, in at number four, however, failed to trouble the scorers to any great extent, losing his wicket for a less than useful 6.

However, once he was out, as the skies darkened, we were witness to the approach of our nemesis and long time opponent, Boe Moore to the crease. Sensing the danger to our scoreline, our captain and leader Martin Haigh immediately took steps to counter the threat. Martin barked across the ground, "Mr Rogerson ... next over .. city end please", as he sought to deploy every means at his disposal to dismiss the dangerous Bank batsmen before he could get a toe hold in the middle and record yet another 25+ not out score against us.

From the other end, however, Carib Tour Manager Andy Weaver still had several balls of his over to complete and we feared the worse. By the end of the over, Boe Moore had smashed him for two fours and was again motoring. Along with the usual wides, Boe Weaver's over had cost us 14, and thankfully, we was withdrawn from the attack and not asked to repeat the experience. Boe Rogerson's first over was equally unsuccessful against the Boe Batsmen, even suffering the ignomany of two smashed fours by doubty beer drinking Boe Hayes before his two overs, costing 18, were brought to an end with Boe Moore still at the crease, and the experiment a failure. From the other end Useful Ringer Melling managed to finally remove the beer drinking wicketkeeper, but along with the wides, the Bank were up with, if not quite ahead, of the required run rate.

Two overs from Ringer Tungate were similarly unsuccessful, although on one occassion, he did manage to induce the Talismanic batsman Boe Moore to sky a catch to mid-wicket. Unfortunately, as so often happens when faced with that level of pressure, the person under the ball, Carib Ringer Melling, spilled the chance. Our only opportunity in four years to dismiss Boe Moore had been wasted, and the Boe Batsman seemed determined to capitalise. The Caribs, however, where crushed, and resigned to yet another 25+ innings, and a Bank score that would now likely push us to the wire for victory.

Useful nurdler Boe Paracha stuck around for a few balls for a hard fought nought, before being bowled by our Captain and leader Martin Haigh, who had brought himself on in a bid to dismiss the Bank's star batsman. Expansive Boe Griffin joined Moore at the crease, and he too, began to push the ball around the park, although admittedly without the intensity of his talented colleague. Finally, as we'd all secretly suspected would happen, Boe Moore finally powered his way past 25 and was forced to retire, taking his undefeated tally against to well over 100 in his last four innings against us. Whether we will ever be able to dislodge this bizarely talented and occassional cricketer in future games remains to be seen.

A quick tally of the scores showed that the Bank needed around 40 from their final five overs. Two of the Carib's more slower bowlers were chosen by Captain Martin Haigh to complete three of them. Boe Berry's over went for 12, Carib Ringer Moss's first for 7, and the Bank were still on course for victory. However, Andy Moss's second over probably turned the game in our favour. Boe Griffin charged down the pitch at one of the useful nurdler's skied tweakers, and completely failed to make contact with the resultant hoik, and the ball clattered past the stumps to be scooped up by our keen wicket keeper Andy Bowen who duly removed the bails and Andy Moss had taken a wicket. But Andy wasn't finished yet, another mid pitch dobbler was smashed back over Andy's head, straight into the hands of our best batsman, Martin Haigh, positiioned perfectly at mid off. Unfortunately, Martin again spilled the chance, and looking bereft at the ground as the ball trickled away from him, he almost didn't spy the fact that both batsmen were still in the process of scampering a single. Martin's eyes lit up, and he grabbed the ball from the pitch and threw himself full length across the floor, delievered the ball towards the stumps, and watched in ecstasy as the ball clattered into them with Boe Lee still miles out of his crease. Although Martin had redeemed his latest spilled catch, he was not satisfied, bemoaning for the next ten minutes the "absolutely shocking drop" we had all witnessed.

But again, Mr Moss was still not finished. His final delivery looped up into the air, and along with its now ice encrusted surface, plummeted down mid pitch and thudded into the ground stone dead, bounced forward slightly and past Boe Slogger Willson's windmilling bat .. straight into the hands of our Wicket Keeper Andy Bowen. Our keen wicketkeeper grasped at the ball, and for the second time in the over, caught it and dragged it back across the stumps, with Slogger Jez still half way down the pitch and wondering how the ball had managed to cover the remaining distance to the stumps without further assistance.

Ringer Moss's over had cost the Bank 3 wickets and gone for only five, however, the Bank now needed around 20 from their final two overs, and facing us were the strangely sober Bank Captain Boe Lamyman and the Bouncer Bowling slogger Boe Jarod Worthy. Carib Captain Martin, had secured an agreement with Boe Lamyman concerning the bowling, based on the premise that as we only had 11 players, to the Bank's 12, we couldn't be expected to have everyone bowl only two overs, and that we could, therefore, select two bowlers to bowl three. Boe Lamyman, after the game, claimed to be completely unaware of the arrangement, even blaming Martin's interpretation of the rules for losing the match. However, given James's inability to even see on occassion, after a few too many tins of beer on the pitch, we're not sure who was right. Nevertheless, on this occassion, Martin instructed Aging Carib opening bowler and Useful Ringer Melling to complete the final two overs.

The plan worked, with the wily old Carib Rogerson going for only a single in his over, and Boe Melling's, despite the wides, going for only four. However, it has to be said that the attempts by Boe Worthy to hit the cricket ball by this time were looking increasingly comical. He appeared to be engaged in his own private fly swatting contest, while ignoring the cricket completely, given the distance between his attempts to make contact with the ball and its actual location. As it was, both Boe Batsmen were to end the day on two not out, with the Bank, happily, 14 runs adrift of our score. The Caribs had secured their first victory of 2009, and for half the Caribs, it was our second taste of victory this season.

As we trudged off to the pub, Carib Willis's desperate attempts to enquire as to the laws of the game that may affect his dismissal reached epic proportions. It's unlikely, however, that the MCC have ever considered incorporating such bizarre scenarios as wind pressure, lack of drills, odd shaped bails, and if we'd allowed him to continue, aliens and Elvis, into the laws of the game. Only half the Bank were able to stay for a drink, as the debate raged, but nevertheless, by closing time, those of us who were in attendance, we'd had a great day and thoroughly enjoyed stretching out our aggregate lead over the Bank to 5-2, Boe Moore's continuing five year run of form notwithstanding.

Carib Beer XI Win by 14 runs

Talismanic Batsman Moore throws one down	Slow scoring Andy Moss scoops one up	Moore throws down another	Lanky Slogger Jez bowling, while Peter R looks on
Boe Moore takes aim	Andy Moss, batting with Carib Rogerson	Slow Scoring Tahir puts in 100%	A perfect cover drive by Boe Rogerson
A less than perfect cut shot by Boe Rogerson	Lanky Slogger Jez bowling, while a balding Carib Rogerson Looks on	Slip Fielder Lee Bowling a wide	Ringer Dan Tungate hits towards leg
Boe Lee Bowls another wide	Martin Haigh playing it straight	Boozy Wicketkeeper Hayes takes one in the guts	Various Boe Team Members wonder where the ball has gone
Boe Lee still trying to finish his over	Boe Cooke wonders when he should get his hair cut	Boe Lee, still trying to complete six bowls	Martin admires another scoring shot
Barry Willis practicing getting out	Tour Manager Andy jumping about his crease	Talismanic Batsman Moore taunts us with beer	Batsman Moore puts his beer down for a mo
chief scorer Rogerson squints towards the middle	Boe Williams concentrates	Boe Williams, tries again	Boe Williams reaches for a wide one
Tour Manager Weaver facing pissed up Lamyman	Boe Williams, rather cross	Floppy hatted twirler Boe Bailey, with Caribs	Boe Williams still trying to hit it
Boe Williams finally hits one of them

Scorecard