Carib Beer XI vs IBM - August 8th 2011

For our final game of the 2011 season, we headed off to Regent’s park for our solitary game there this year, to face an IBM team who, if history was to repeat itself, generally present a stern challenge to our motley line up of ringers and Caribs. Tonight, however, we had found ourselves somewhat short of first team players and were forced to engage the services of several of our Diaspora of Ringers in an attempt to make up the numbers. Ringer James Gray was there determined to end the season on a high, by scoring a run, to add to his miserable tally of first ball ducks, Ringer Charney, who actually turned out to be quite useful with both bat and ball, while the heavily set Ringer Hayes was just there for the beer. At the last moment, however, complications arising from a mild cold had forced our nurdler in chief Carib Berry to pull out on the day, opening up another hole in our line up. Luckily, his place was filled at the last moment by the beer swilling Ringer Ives incongruously dressed in ill fitting footwear supplied by our own Northern Wheelie Bin Carib Cordey, and a pair of trousers hastily looted from a local Primark the previous evening. Nevertheless, we had eleven, and as the two teams assembled by the “hub”, we began to discuss the prospects for the evening.

We’d been informed prior to the game by the Regents Park ground management team that we should play the match on the artificial strip, however, following a quick pitch inspection, our Chairman, Captain and Leader, Martin Haigh confidently announced that the grass pitch was perfectly suited to play on and the stumps were drilled into position on what looked the best of the now threadbare grass strips. Our leader then spoke to the opposition captain, IBM Read, to discuss the playing conditions. Martin was somewhat disappointed to discover, however, when he suggested that we’d quite like to bat first, and that should he agree, this largely rendered the toss obselete, that the IBM skipper too wanted to bat first. Ending the debate in apparent deadlock, they were forced to toss a coin to determine who would get their wish, a method that proved surprisingly effective, should others wish to adopt it. Stupefyingly, our great leader won the toss, and against the wishes of almost the entire team (due to the additional drinking opportunities presented by batting second), Martin decided that we would in fact bat first.

At this stage in the “summer”, however, light does become an issue, so if the game did drag on past 8.30pm (which can often happen when some of our more inexperienced pie chuckers are on and are forced to bowl six straight balls before being allowed to stop), the risk of avoiding injury becomes decidedly more problematic as the evening draws in. However, this did at least present Martin with an opportunity of getting out of a potentially awkward situation. As we searched through our bags for a ball, we were alarmed to discover that we hadn’t any new ones left. However, what Martin DID find, was a slightly worn white ball and realising that this could be a solution to both the problem of playing in darkness, and our total forgetfulness in not bringing a shiny new ball, suggested that we use it. Seeing the obvious benefits, now that they were batting second, the opposition skipper happily agreed the IBM team headed out into the middle to begin their assault on our rather flaky top order. Our openers today would be the aging medium pacer, and embarrassingly poor runner, Carib Rogerson, and his brother in law, the Beer Swilling Ringer Ives, proudly sporting Carib Cordey’s size 11 Gym Shoes.

The first over was taken by IBM Nicholson who almost immediately found some exaggerated movement with the old white ball, forcing the old medium pacer, Carib Rogerson, to begin somewhat watchfully against him. However, after managing to scamper through for the first run of the match, Ringer Ives now found himself facing his first ball against the wily IBM opener. Ringer Ives swung the bat impressively, shifting his gaze over the head of square leg to discern the ball’s trajectory, he was mortified to hear the stumps clattering behind him, having completely missed it for a first ball duck and was forced to trudge back to the boundary to open up another can of beer. Things weren’t to improve, however, as during his next over the old Vice Skipper Carib Rogerson was too, completely bamboozled by a vicious in-swinger and was bowled for a miserable 2 runs, his only saving grace was that he had at least avoided the ignominy being run out during the two singles he had managed to score. Into only the 3rd over, we were already two down with the scorers barely troubled, and with our line up of ringers and nurdlers, at risk of another calamitous batting collapse, could we not find someone to, yet again, pull our onions out of the fire.

Next in, however, was our best batsman Dan Tungate, and our relentlessly keen but butter fingered wicketkeeper, Carib Bowen, and we fervently hoped that they could begin to repair the damage done to our now decapitated top order. Although they too began slowly, they were able to see off the opening bowlers and began to settle in against the first change IBM attack. The first of these was IBM Holiday, another useful bowler, along with one of the two young ladies gracing their batting card, young Ms Vinson. Against these two IBMers our nurdling wicketkeeper, Carib Bowen, and best Batsman Dan Tungate, at least managed to begin to increase the scoring rate, albeit, not yet at a rate likely to present the opposition with a particularly stiff target. Ms Vinson’s first over, however, only went for five, perhaps indicative of their reluctance to get out against her, although there were likely other less kind descriptions being bandied about on the boundary. Nevertheless, our best Batsman, Dan Tungate, eventually got the measure of her wily tossed up hand grenades, dancing down the wicket to despatch her final ball for a towering six.

The next two IBMers into the attack, we were pleasantly to discover, included the second of their female participants, IBM Nicola Vincent. This time, however, the two Caribs, realising that our overs were rapidly disappearing, decided, finally, to begin opening their shoulders. Her first over was brutally dispatched for 15, with her second going for 10, rapidly increasing our scoring rate and taking Carib Dan well past the 25 mark, forcing his compulsory retirement. That he scored the majority of his 25 against a girl should surely not count against him when the end of season awards are distributed. Next man in was our bludgeoning northern bakery magnate, the flame haired village blacksmith Carib Cordey, who’s potential for some uncultured hitting is legendary among the ranks of the Caribs. Although he can frequently come to grief in his first over, should he remain at the crease for any length of time, he can seriously harm any opposition. Being the Batsman in the line-up to watch, we all sat down and readied ourselves for the fireworks to come. We weren’t to be disappointed. Almost immediately, our flame haired northerner began finding the middle of his bat and several boundaries were unculturedly smashed over the boundary ropes. Our spirits rose as we realised we were witnessing “Vintage Cordey” and that our scorecard might now, finally, begin to take shape. Like a flash mob riot, however, it was over all too soon, and after only 16 balls of uncultured hitting, we were forced to recall our great northern pie baker back to the boundary, for our second retirement of the evening.

However, it wasn’t long before our keen wicketkeeper Andy Bowen too managed, to our great surprise, to surpass 25 himself. During the Northern Bakery Magnates innings, we’d quite forgotten he was there (although the scorer, stressed out from having to find so much additional scorecard real estate to accommodate all the dots, was likely all too painfully aware of his continued presence at the crease). Nevertheless, it was the innings we’d needed, a solid and dependable hour of nurdling, around which our more meaty hitters could operate. Tavare-esque, you could almost say. The next men in, however, were Will Charney, a very useful ringer, who began by scoring at a very useful run a ball, for a full four balls, and the youthfully exuberant Olly Fyfe, our newest potential member, anxious to demonstrate that it wasn’t only on weekends that he could score 95s, that should by rights be 97, and that he could replicate his form during the week too. New Member Fyfe, however, does at least have a novel approach to batting, namely, the intention to pull every single ball, regardless of its length. Should the ball be short, this works a treat, however, for fuller pitched deliveries, this requires, at the very least, flexible knees, leaving to some rather comical helicopter like attempts to pull the ball down to square leg every ball he faces. Last week this had resulted in his rather embarrassing stumping, however, this week, it did at least bring some success as his score edged towards 11. Ringer Charney, with the exception of the two useless openers, was the only other Carib to lose his wicket during our innings, skying up a catch during the final overs, allowing our Captain, Chairman and Leader, Martin Haigh to don his helmet and trudge out to the middle to face the last two balls of our innings.

Given our dreadfully slow start, we were pleasantly to discover we’d taken our opposition to the tune of 122 for 3. Perhaps, inadvertently, we’d lulled our opposition into a false sense of security, batting so dreadfully in the first 5 overs, causing them to bring on their young ladies in an effort to make a game of it. Intention or not, however, we’d managed to reach a score that, should we be at our best, we had at least a theoretical chance of defending.

It was now IBM’s turn to bat, and we all trudged out into the field, with the clouds gathering overhead, and the light already looking distinctly murky. To open the bowling would be our rapidly aging Vice Skipper, Carib Rogerson, along with the very useful ringer, Neil Charney. The old Carib bowled the first over, and, amazingly, didn’t bowl too badly, keeping the ball in the right areas, and not allowing the IBM openers to get away. From the other end, Ringer Charney also began well, and before his over had finished, had managed to clean bowl IBM White. Their second and third overs were equally tight, and although only four overs into their reply, they were already behind the run rate. Our first change bowlers would be our Captain, leader and Chairman, Martin Haigh, and our Flame Haired Northerner, Carib Cordey, fresh from his first innings heroics, to bowl a few overs of his own inimitable brand of round armed pies. As he bowled, our Captain and leader, Martin Haigh, attempted to motivate his Northern Twirler, by taunting him with the prospect of post match pies and pasties. Whether this helped or not is difficult to determine, but as usual our Northern Bakery Magnates collection of wides, full bungers, beamers and pea rollers were again proving difficult to get away. From the other end, however, our Chairman, Martin Haigh, began to take a bit of a pasting, being smashed for several fours by the IBM No 2, IBM Foster, who began making rapid progress towards his retirement.

One ball, however, smashed high into mid wicket, careered through the air directly at our old Vice Skipper, Carib Rogerson, patiently waiting close to the boundary, hoping, as usual, that the ball stayed well away from him. The ball looped through the air, and in the leaden skies, stood out brightly as it began its descent towards the waiting Carib, who by now, and come to the conclusion that there was no way to avoid having to at least attempt to catch it. Running towards it, arms outstretched, he seemed set and ready to take the catch. However, what happened next was reminiscent of something out of Laurel and Hardy. The ball arrived at our old Vice Skippers hands, up in front of his face, but alarmingly, likely due to his now advanced age, he’d completely forgotten to put hands together, leaving a gaping hole between left and right, directly in front of his face. Unsurprisingly, the progress of the ball wasn’t likely to be impeded by such negligence, until, that is, it collided unceremoniously with his nose, almost knocking the old Carib off his feet, as the ball plopped to the ground, and the already large and bulbous proboscis began to redden and swell alarmingly.

Sadly, the rain now began to close in, which made bowling decidedly tricky for all concerned. Martin wisely took himself out of the attack and brought back the youthful exuberance of potential new member, Ringer Fyfe, for some more of his exuberant wrong footed medium pacers, while from the other end, Ringer Chaney was instructed to complete his tally of four overs. Both youngsters, however, continued to be right on the money, despite the dreadful conditions. IBM Worsley was dismissed for a duck, while IBM Ghosh departed for 12, both comprehensively bowled. Nevertheless, as the weather finally began to improve, and batting became easier, IBMers Holiday and Prasad were able to settle and take their scores past the compulsory retirement scores, keeping the IBM run chase on track, if still a little way away. Nevertheless, with them both retired, we were in to their lower order, and the two young ladies were now due in. The first of these, Ms Vinson, after a sterling effort, found herself stranded half way down the wicket and was sadly run out.

However, with only 4 overs now to spare, with with something like 40 required, our Captain and leader, Martin Haigh brought himself back on, along with our aging vice Skipper, Carib Rogerson, to complete the innings, as shouts from the boundary encouraging the IBM batsmen to get a bloomin move on resonated around the ground. Although we leaked runs for a couple of overs, Carib Rogerson bowling the skipper IBM Neal along the way, the IBM lower order were never quite able to get themselves over the line. As the last over dawned, with our aging vice skipper, Carib Rogerson due to bowl it, the IBM line up still required 12 runs, and we braced ourselves for a tense finale. Carib Rogerson did his best in the wet conditions to keep the ball straight and up to the bat, which wasn’t easy, with the ground now reduced to a mud-bath and the run-ups reminiscent of the early days of passchendaele. The first ball was a dot, but the second flew out of his hands and ended up a horrendous head high no-ball, easily smashed to the boundary for 4, with the additional penalty run, leaving only 7 required off five balls. However, with the dismissal of the IBM skipper, the second of the young ladies had now entered the fray, and found herself facing the last couple of deliveries.

Luckily, the last couple of deliveries were straight enough, and the IBM tail were only able to scamper another 2, leaving them requiring 5 from the last ball. The second of the young ladies, IBM Clarke, was to face it. Carib Rogerson tossed one up, and into the block-hole, surely doing enough to ensure that they’d not get over the line. However, not to be deterred, both IBMers now began running while the confused Caribs stood around apparently not quite sure what to do. Recovering their composure, however, the ball was snatched up and flung back wildly to Carib Bowen behind the stumps, who promptly threw the ball at the stumps himself, missing by miles, allowing them to begin a second run, and setting off a rather comical chain of events. In the resultant melee, the ball was again flung back wildly, missing everything. As Caribs ran first one way, then the other, confusion reigned for what seemed like minutes, with the ball flying back and forth seemingly without end. All the while, the two IBM tail enders continued accumulating singles, enjoying running so much apparently, that they were actually running side by side for a while, until we realised that one of them had managed to “lap” the other. Surely, they wouldn’t be able to complete all five runs before the assembled ranks of confused Caribs could get the ball and stumps in the same vicinity.

However, as the chaos in the middle appeared to reach ever lower depths of hilarity and incompetence, some order began to emerge from the chaos, in the form of the heavily set Ringer Hayes, who realising the complete hopelessness of our current tactics, purposefully grasped the ball in both hands and walked towards the stumps. This time, he made no mistake and the bails were ceremoniously removed, ending the farcical running, and dismissing one of the batsmen, although quite who had been dismissed, it was difficult to determine. A rough count suggested that they had completed 3 runs in the final few riotous minutes, and we’d managed, amazingly, to secure a victory by 2 runs in what had ended up being a very enjoyable and evenly matched contest.

With the evening now drawing in, however, we returned to the boundary to finish off our beer, and being the last game of the season, engage in the customary procedure of goading our Captain and Leader, Martin Haigh, to take a swig from a can of beer, something which although obviously very unpleasant to the pallet of our wine drinking MCC member Captain, always provides us with some great end of season entertainment at Martin’s obvious discomfort. Although the tradition in past years has required a can of Stella, there were none in attendance this year, so Martin was forced to drink a mouthful from a can of Fosters, which apparently has a much more pleasant bouquet, as the entire team held their mobiles aloft and snapped the momentous occasion for posterity. As usual we trudged off to the pub, to watch the pub screens in awe as the city burned around us.

Carib Beer XI Win by 2 Runs

Scorecard