Carib Beer XI vs Newman House - TEST MATCH- August 15th 2009

Saturday 15th August saw us back at Regent's Park one last time for the final game of our 2009 season against the Newman House Team, who we think play in the "coloured clothing" league in Regent's Park, although they're also rumoured to play in certain indoor leagues. The "coloured clothing" seven a side league is actually something that has made playing at Regent's Park recently a somewhat hazardous affair, and those of us fielding with our backs to them usually have to take emergency avoiding action several times during the evening to avoid the sixes that regularly pepper our pitch. This isn't something that aurgered well for the day, given that most of us can barely hit it off the square.

The final game of the year is now traditionally a "Test Match", an all day affair, and for the more senior members of the team, a particularly arduous day in the field. We hoped that the format of the game could be two full teams playing two innings of 20 overs each, with the usual rules about retiring at 25 and max four overs per bowler remaining intact. As we began to arrive at the ground with various bags of beer and sandwiches, we hoped that the weather forecast for a good afternoon would prove true, as although it was dry, there was a strong wind blowing across the ground and we felt somewhat jealous of the gentlemen on the adjacent pitch, all dressed up in a snug fitting gorilla suit. However, our jealousy turned to sympathy when we discovered that he and his motley crew of beer swilling colleagues were in fact engaged in a "Stag" Cricket Match, and that the simian suited gent was in fact the groom.

As both teams began to assemble on the ground, Martin, our Captain, Leader and Best Batsman engaged the opposition Captain, Mr Stansfield, in discussions about the format of the game, of which they seemed happy with our Master Batsman's suggestions. Turning to the Toss, to the amazement of the entire team, Martin was actually victorious in his tossing and much congratulations and gasps of awe and surprise ensued. Martin subsequently complained that only his losing tosses are ever mentioned in Match Reports, and that the reputation he has gained as useless tosser as a result is completely contrary to the empirical data and therefore flatly unjustified. However, given the apparent rarity of his tossing victories, it's unlikely that such a remarkable event would have escaped the notice of the Carib's Official Match Reporter, so until a full and wide ranging review of the veracity of Martin's claim has been independently verified, it would seem that the reputation is likely to remain intact for some time to come.

Nevertheless, AFTER MARTIN HAD WON THE TOSS, he then turned his mind to deciding whether we should bat or bowl first. In the event, he probably reached the right decision, we would insert the opposition. This would likely leave us to chase a mammoth score batting forth, and so would be the route most likely to guarantee 80 overs of cricket. Batting first would of course put us at risk of losing by an innings, and so only give us 60 overs of cricket if we failed to post decent scores. In any event, the opposition seemed happy and trotted off to begin padding up as we picked ourselves up and headed out into the field.

Our Captain, Martin Haigh, threw the new ball to his generally most reliable bowlers, the Aging Medium Pacer Carib Rogerson, and the Carib's Newest Member, the Pacy and Erratic Carib Uttam. Uttam began in a vein that was to continue for most of the day, and immediately found his line and accuracy and proved difficult to get away. However, from the other end, the Old Carib Rogerson began what was to prove for him a thoroughly miserable day with the ball, against the opening Batsman and Captain Mr Stansfield, who was to come after him again is his second innings. His first over saw two fours smashed back past him and after two miserable overs that went for 20, he was taken out of the attack. It was only the accuracy and pace of Carib Uttam that kept any kind of control over the Newman House top order.

However, we soon began to have some success as both Caribs Uttam and Ringer Phil Melling were to make vital breakthroughs, snatching three wickets each, all bowled, against the Newman House top order, and as the innings reached it's half way stage, they were around the 50-6 mark and although we could see that they could all bat, and that most of them were out swinging 20/20 style, we hoped that we could at least keep their innings to a manageable total. The last of the six to fall was Aussie Shaun Larcom, who has played for us as a ringer before, bowled first ball by Ringer Melling, and likely to feature several times during the course of the match report.

Next in, however, was Newman House Jayamana, a character who was to become our nemesis throughout the day with his batting and bowling. It didn't take him long before he was dancing down the pitch to dispatch the hapless Carib Bowlers to the boundary and motoring towards his compulsory retirement score of 25. The remainder of the Newman House batting card continued to score regularly, although we continued to sneak in the odd wicket. Wickets fell to chief Team Selector Richard Harris, one to our Captain Martin Haigh, whose bowling average unfortunately took a similar ravaging as that meted out to Carib Rogerson's earlier in the day, and Carib Cordey, whose two overs were also to go for 21. Upon leaving the field, we discovered that the Newman House batting card had advanced to the respectable and probably match winning 134, and it appeared to be only the bowling and wickets of New Member Carib Uttam and Useful Ringer Phil Melling that had prevented them from advancing to a much higher total. Given that we could not hope to enjoy the same success against their top six next time round, the game appeared to be slipping out of our reach already. Certainly, we would have to bat well in order to avoid a punishing defeat.

To begin the Carib's reply, Captain and Leader Martin Haigh summoned the Aging Medium Pace Bowler Carib Rogerson, and, to prevent him from again worrying about his averages, Mediocre Fourth Change Slow Bowler Carib Willis to pad up and head out. As the two Caribs approached the pitch, they were somewhat surprised to notice that the entire Newman House team began arrange themselves in a small circle, arms and shoulders linked, performing a very good impression of something we've only ever seen on TV, a "Team Huddle". Dismayed and rather confused by this turn of events, the two Caribs approached the "Huddle" to see if we could make out what was being said. To our amazement, the whispered conversation emanating from the "Huddle" did indeed appear to be a motivational team speech from the captain, with snatched pieces of conversation along the lines of "back our bowlers to do the job" and "applying pressure" etc. The only conclusion we could draw from this remarkable situation was that our opposition had either completely forgotten who we were, or had absolutely no knowledge of the kind of team they were actually playing. The only huddle that that Caribs have ever engaged in is the weekly scrum get to the bar at the Green Man, and our motivational speeches tend to revolve around the occasional "Come on Carib" from Carib Cordey on the boundary following the latest dropped catch.

Nevertheless, as the two Carib boys began to take guard, the Newman House boys, suitably invigorated and motivated no doubt by the inspirational words of their leader, began to position themselves around the bat at very short range, deploying the kind of field that Shane Warne usually reserves for the last day of an Ashes test, with England 7 down and fighting to save the game. So, with at least 4 slips, short mid off and everyone else saving the single, the Newman House opening bowlers began their spells. Following each ball, almost the entire team congratulated the bowler on yet another great delivery, and even wides were greeted with "Unlucky", "great ball" or "he's on the ropes now" by the highly enthusiastic wicketkeeper and his cohort of close in fielders. In such an intense cauldron of pressure, and with the balls flying at us somewhat erratically, both the Caribs began their innings slowly and the first couple of overs were a case of survival rather than progress and after 3 overs, we'd only advanced to 7. However, in the fourth over, the innings began to swing in our direction as the old Carib Rogerson found the measure of Aussie Ringer Shaun Larcom and dispatched him for a huge six that landed on the next pitch. The following three balls were also smashed for four by the old bowler, and after having suffered the ignominy of going for 18 runs in a single over, Ringer Larcom was humiliatingly removed from the attack, and the Carib innings was now motoring.

With the first change bowlers now into the attack, and the field spread somewhat, the old Medium Pacer managed to sky another lofted straight drive and amazingly, it also had the legs on it to sail over the boundary for six, bringing the aging old Carib's score to 29 and forcing him to retire for the second + 25 score in a row. Carib Willis, unfortunately, wasn't able to secure the score he so desperately needed to remain in contention for the batting award, being bowled for a miserable and slow six. Ringer Melling, however, was able to hang around for a well paced 20, punctuated with some nice looking shots, but from the other end, the fall of wickets continued at regular intervals. Our hapless Tour Manager Andy Weaver was to suffer yet another run out, this time at the hands of our newest member Carib Uttam who resolutely refused to leave his crease, even as the old Tour Manager ran full pelt down the pitch screaming all the way for Carib Uttam to get a move on. However, with both of them down one end, Carib Weaver was forced to trudge from the ground yet again, another innings decapitated by the poor single running of the Carib Batsmen. Luckily for Barry Willis, however, Carib Uttam failed to capitalize on his start and lost his own wicket for 3, leaving the two protagonists and rivals again level and still vying for the end of season accolades.

Our Master Batsman and Captain Martin Haigh joined the fray and played another of his run a ball innings, punctuated with the odd attractive looking cover drive, while the incoming Goochie was left to face the long hops and half track mid pitched wides of the solitary over bowled by Newman House Rafal. However, Goochie didn't waste any time and smashed the hapless charity bowler to the boundary twice in his hard hitting run a ball 8. However, the end of our innings was now in sight and it was left to our Captain Martin Haigh, along with the Carib's Nurdler in Chief Gordon Berry to complete proceedings, with us on a not un-respectable 105, although a good 30 runs behind our opposition at the half way stage.

After a short break for a well earned beer, and a couple of jugs of pimms for our opposition, and after our old opening Bowler had proffered the score book in the direction of Aussie Ringer Larcom in the event that he wanted to "check his bowling figures", we headed out into the field to receive the Newman House openers for the second innings. Carib Rogerson and Newest Member Carib Uttam were again chosen to take the new ball. Carib Uttam continued his pacy and accurate spell from the first innings, but the old Carib Rogerson failed again to exert any pressure, and in his second over watched in dismay as the Newman House captain smacked him back over his head for six, three times on the trot, again leaving his bowling figures in complete disarray, and the old Carib one game closer to retirement. However, his fourth attempt at a six this time found the safe hands of Ringer Melling, patrolling the long on boundary. Ringer Melling, nevertheless, took the catch, handing the old Carib bowler his only wicket of the match, and helping at least somewhat to rescue his disastrous bowling figures from complete meltdown.

This time, however, it was the Newman House number two, Mr Rossdeutsch, who was to hurt us badly up front, dispatching the toothless Carib first change bowlers for several fours on his way to an 18 ball 28, many of these taken from Martin Haigh's first over that went for 14, with most of the rest from his second, that went for 10. Newman Houseman progressed to a much slower 15 from 26 balls before being snaffled by a fine catch from our Northern Bakery Magnate Phil Cordey off Team Selection Manager Rich Harris's wily twirlers. Ringer Melling was also again in the wickets, bowling Newman Handy first ball, and New Member Carib Uttam, returning to complete his excellent and incisive spell managed to dismiss Newman Driscoll and for the second time in the match, the hapless Aussie Ringer Shaun Larcom, who found himself on the receiving end of another first ball dismissal, watching in horror as our relentlessly correct Official Umpire Michael Lee raised the dreaded finger to send him on his way, LBW for nought.

The next two Newman House batsman, however, continued in the same vein as their hard hitting openers, both progressing towards their compulsory retirement scores of 27 and 25, both innings punctuated with enough fours for us to realise that our opposition was on course to easily surpass their previous effort, leaving us with a quite mammoth score to take on in our second innings. However, we'd also let ourselves down as our catching had been poor. Captain Martin Haigh had spilled yet another chance, and even our reliable Northern Middle Order Bludgeoner Carib Cordey, normally a safe pair of hands, had uncharacteristically put one down, as had serial catch dropper Team Selection Manager Rich Harris, although he did redeem himself somewhat by taking a catch off his own bowling to dismiss the final wicket to fall, that of the number 10, Newman Libert. As the Newman House second innings finished, we trudged off the field to find out what our deficit in the game now stood at, to discover that our opposition had managed to score 142 from their 20 overs, leaving us with the somewhat unlikely target of 172 for victory.

However, we were not to be denied some entertainment along the way. Carib Uttam, opening the batting with our Best Batsman and Leader Martin Haigh, teed off in the first over against the pacy Newman House Captain Stansfield, dispatching his very first over all round the park and taking 19 runs of his first over, including a six and three fours, much to the delight of the assembled Caribs on the boundary. Unfortunately, however, incensed by the mauling he had taken the previous over, the Newman House Captain was able to bowl our Captain Martin Haigh for a miserable two, leaving us 1 down in only the third over. Ringer Phil Melling looked good for his 5, but lost his wicket to a fine catch, and the hapless Tour Manager Andy Weaver managed to avoid being run out by losing his wicket for nought, caught and bowled by the Aussie Ringer Shaun Larcom, giving him at least something to take from the game after his first innings mauling and two golden duck dismissals.

The fist innings hero, Carib Rogerson, hung around for a full 23 balls, but he failed to replicate the fireworks of the first innings, playing all round a straight one and losing his off stump for his hard fought ten. Carib Cordey, however, did manage to club a few uncultured fours towards cow corner before being caught and Carib Goochie, runless after 10 balls, failed to make his ground before his stumps were thrown down while attempting a quick single. Barry Willis, coming lower down in the order in an attempt to remain not out at the end hung around for a while, but with the result now a formality, the Newman House captain threw the ball to his Ringers in an attempt to give everyone a bowl before the end of the game, and even Carib Willis was able to hit a few crisp boundaries on his way to 18 before he too was bowled by a half track long hop from Newman R Smith.

Of our tail, only Carib Team Accountant Gordon Berry was able to trouble the scorers, nurdling the ball around the infield for a 24 ball 15. Female Team member Christina Boyton, our number 11, found herself out in the middle facing the Newman House long hop bowlers, but unfortunately, was only able to last three balls before losing her wicket, bringing our hard hitting opener, New Member Carib Uttam back to the crease to continue his not out innings. Unfortunately, however, our innings had now drawn to a close, but that didn't stop our newest member smashing the final ball of the day for a huge six, taking our score past the 120 mark, which although almost 50 runs shy of our target was a quite respectable score under the circumstances, as although the Newman House team were clearly a much better team than us, we felt we had given them a thoroughly enjoyable game.

As the opposition decked out their picnic baskets and poured out further jugs of Pimms, the Caribs decided to head off to the pub for a few well earned drinks. With this being our last game of the season, all that remains is for us to total up the season averages and calculate the season's awards, to be presented at the end of season dinner, although given the controversy that this has already created amongst the Carib Diaspora this month, this is not likely to be settled to everyone's satisfaction any time soon.

One final ceremony had to be taken care of, however, the now traditional end of season "Can Of Beer Swilling" by our Captain and blue blooded Leader Martin Haigh. Normally Martin wouldn't be seen dead drinking beer, let alone from a can, like those tykes from Essex are wont to do at every opportunity, so it's an event that we all look forward to, and as usual, has been captured on film for posterity in the event that anyone needs to see the evidence for themselves.

See you all next year !!!

Carib Beer XI Lost by 47 Runs

Team Photo taken at the conclusion of the day	Martin holds his now traditional end of season can of beer aloft in triumph	Martin swigs from the can, the only time beer passes his lips	Martin chokes back on the foul tasting liquid, depositing most of it down his Carib top in disgust.

Scorecard - 1st Innings

Scorecard - 2nd Innings